These past couple of years have been an absolute struggle to find the desire to sit down and write. Off again, on again. Old blogs set on fire. Rose up out of the ashes a couple of times just to quickly pour buckets of ice cold water down the spine of my creativity.
I reached a breaking point on a hot late summer day in 2016. I was broke and broken. I was walking but not really going anywhere. I was talking but only saying words to push me through work. My heart was beating but my soul took the beating. I was lonely. I was hurt and just pushing myself deeper into the dirt, everything numb.
They say your life is a book with chapters. Whoever they are. But I’m convinced we aren’t just chapters. Once we realize this, we can finally close an entire fucking book without worrying about the bookmark slipping out. It took me quite a while to realize this.
And once I did, I was able to wake up. I felt myself spasm under the heavy weight of water. I could hear my groggy voice rolling muffled under the water, telling me to stand up – the water was never as deep as I thought it to be. And it wasn’t.
My name is Brianna. Or maybe Ishmael, because with nearly no money in my pockets I scraped up a couple of pennies of what I always knew was true, would remain untouched, even if it did get a bit suffocated and clouded by the gloom: hope. I found myself in hope again – it was such a great relief to have hope tapping on my shoulder instead of depression and borderline suicidal aesthetics gripping at my throat.
Tossed myself across the ocean, but landed in the cozy countryside of Japan. I couldn’t go back to Kanto. It’s too “city” for me. My eyes want to be dazzled by golden fields – my soul wants to be swept away by the jagged beauty of a clear sky outlining the edges of mountains – I crave the quiet that seems to be untouched, like one of those sparkly snow globes with tiny worlds protected in them. I’ve only been in Tohoku nearly two months, but so far it has been lovely on the eyes, peaceful on the soul, and kind to my body – anxiety no longer bangs as hard on the doors of my lungs, it just occasionally tip toes in and turns on the light a bit early in the morning to remind me of some adulthood responsibilities we all know can be a pain in the ass. I’ve always held to the belief that life is worth living, but for a bit of time it was a struggle for me to emotional live in harmony with that belief. It’s coming easier now – I feel purpose, and I am quiet – inside and out.
I’m still learning what I’m all about. But I’ve found that I’ve pushed through my biggest letdowns and low points, and I’m glad I had them. At one point I said, “I would be okay if the entire year of 2016 were to be completely erased from the timeline of Brianna.” But now, I realize without it I would not have been able to completely let go of everything that was keeping me down in the first place. I’ve released it all. It’s vaporized, slung shot out into the universe. It might come back around like a comet and hit me again, but I know I’ll be able to make it through it, and begin even more beautifully and strongly than before, again and again until the absolute end.
So I’m here again. To whisper and shout and dance around with some crazy poetics again on the internet. Nice to meet you all. I’m glad that you’ve crossed my path, even if it was just for these few moments and words on your screen.